@Kendragarden: If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

@jordan_stratton: *coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on* ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

@PinkCamoTO: It's weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."

@causticbob: "He looks just like his grandfather" is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it's more of an accusation

@TheRolo: *UFO attacks* Govt: It's a weather balloon. *UFO destroys Eiffel Tower* Govt: Weather balloon. *UFO conquers Earth* Govt: Weather balloon.