A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
The first matador
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.