So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
first you must answer his riddles
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?