So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
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9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
The Weeknd is back
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.