@TheFearBoners: So PSY's song "Dear American" includes the lyric "Kill them all slowly and painfully" and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.
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@WheelTod: [Traffic Stop] Cop: Sir, please step out of the car Me: But you said... Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
@simoncholland: One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don't want to do.
@SaraESpivey: After I orgasm, I yell "Aaaaand scene." Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say "Ummm. We'll call u."