I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon