@HonestToddler: So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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@JasonCarney31: "911 what's your emergency?" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! "Okay. I'll send the police" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY "AT MARIOKART"
@karatechopmonk: I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn't like it
@IGotsSmarts: I wondered why everyone said I had "bed hair", until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.