@HonestToddler: So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@zachreinert03: Slasher films are so unrealistic. Anyone could out run a guy walking with a chainsaw. That's why I train running with a chainsaw.
@2tickytacky: I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery] Wife: [terrified and crying] Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.