@HonestToddler: So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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@UrbanDouchebag: Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.
@illiter8too: I always try to coordinate my bra and panties so at least my murderer will think I’ve got my shit together
@weismanjake: Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread
@causticbob: My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation. The kids aren't to keen, but my wife and I just don't want them anymore.