@HonestToddler: So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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@KatieBurnett: The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
@qwertying: "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
@daemonic3: GOOD COP: He won't talk except in sign language BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
@CulturedRuffian: My anaconda don't want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.