So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
You Might Also Like
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock