So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
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What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”