I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.