So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there