“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM