So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
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Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Grandmother clock.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
peeping toms
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.