“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
You Might Also Like
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
respect
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.