I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
📽️movie date🎞️
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
A wise man once said nothing.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.