Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
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boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.