me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
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The Home Depot guy doesn鈥檛 care why we鈥檙e buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don鈥檛 aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My teenage children choosing violence
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don鈥檛 think he won鈥檛 get me anything, do you?
God: you鈥檙e a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you鈥檙e a bird aren鈥檛 you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can鈥檛 fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don鈥檛 cry don鈥檛 cry don鈥檛 cry.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Me if I was a dog
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can鈥檛 spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can鈥檛 wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I鈥檓 not sure
馃檮馃槒馃槀馃ぃ
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it鈥檚 not my blood
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.