@SomeChrisTweets: SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, "N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S"
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@Cravin4: Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
@sageboggs: "You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?" -second degree burn
@TheAlexNevil: Police Sketch Artist: How about now? Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn't mugged by a naked guy
@JaimeSamantha: It's wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.