@SomeChrisTweets: SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, "N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S"
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@mstluvstrinkets: "Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don't drink but you like to drive?" Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife
@nbadag: [me at 22] in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs [me at 32] i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
@Brampersandon_: ME: *to friend* you're dumb as a box of rocks lol BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
@1Happytwit: I'm going commando for Valentines day. He's going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.