SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My wedding will be open casket.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food