@JesKeepSwimming: "So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT." - What not to say on a first date.
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@SirEviscerate: Ghost cat: how'd you die? Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down GC: i got hit by a car GD: I know GC: ilu
@speevis: Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle ... the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments...
@KeetPotato: [at my date's front door] wait, so you've known i was a koala the whole time? "yeah" [me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf] how tho?
@ericsshadow: My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.