@JesKeepSwimming: "So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT." - What not to say on a first date.
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@Love_bug1016: No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
@HeatherLuvsYou: I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they're working. I call it "cooking"
@nigelgodwin: My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
@david8hughes: *grandma sobbing at my graduation* "Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there." *wipes tear* "But they didn't want to come."