“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.