Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
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I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!