“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
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Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
No, YOUR illiterate.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real