I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Before & after 😅
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.