Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
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Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮