So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
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[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Trying
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?