So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
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when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.