So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Cats (2019)
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?