Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!