So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
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#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.