Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
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Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.