roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.