So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
File under excellent bookstore names.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?