@Chelsea_Elle: So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
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@VaguelyFunnyDan: Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
@adamrensch: *accidentally walks into women's restroom* *plays it cool* *sits down* *finds comfort here* *changes name to Janice* *is alive* *is free*
@kimtopher22: Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
@NickMcNevich: Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest