So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
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[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
$3 #books
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍