Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Straight people are cancelled
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
accurate
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Who’s drunk
*raises leg