So true for me
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An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.