So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
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[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Breaking news:
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.