So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
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If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Always…
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
my sentiments exactly
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!