So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
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Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse