Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
You Might Also Like
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Welcome to the stomach
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.