@STOPFLEXIN: So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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@RandiLawson: Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
@uncle_fescue: Buddy: her boyfriend was killed? Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I'm like, who even kills horses like that?
@LackOfShame: *Goes to bathroom *Reaches down to unzip *Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours *Starts wearing underwear