Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
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Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next