“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.