Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.