So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss