So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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Always a metermaid never a meter
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.