So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.