So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
me, too, girl. me, too.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
your honor my client chooses dare
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy