“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Phonetics
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
just having fun
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics