“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Thursday
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?