So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.