@havingafatday: So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he's alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad
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@HeyZeus666: My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.
@wife_housy: My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
@evanwilliams: RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs? RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table? RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word 'our philosophy' section. RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let's not even put our phone number on the website.
@geo_teira: [at a restaurant] Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out. Waiter: yes ma'am, that's the continental drift breakfast.