God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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Risking my life for fun.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Introverted vegans go meetless
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Accurate