My dog ate my work from home.
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my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Catering service
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.