“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired