@LittleMissZesty: So when a cat pounces on a stranger's lap and demands tickles it's "cute" but when I do it I'm "causing trouble in Starbucks" again. Jeez!
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@UnFitz: [speed dating] Me: Periods. Her: Huh? Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside? Her: In the US or the UK? Me: Let's get married.
@dyldonot: "omg you're covered in blood! are you ok?" [cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly] you should see the other guy
@Rachelnoise: Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator. "18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me."
@Boourns83: Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle.. Now I just smell like shit