So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron